More on writing

 Moron writing?  What am I trying to say?

I ran today. Angry NIN running. Singing along to all the angst built up inside of me. Angst from 30 years raging around inside of me. It felt really good. 

Cool milk never drives away rust.  Working title of my first novel.

Novel or short stories?  

 Army took so much out of me. More than it was worth I feel. Many days away from home and family and it all turned out pretty mess up. my oldest, Kristen, counted it all up once. It looks like I was gone something close to 97 months total time. Just over eight years. What the heck.

PTSD -- it's real mate.

Ashley's War

Ashley's War: The Untold Story of a Team of Women Soldiers on the Special Ops Battlefield
by Gayle Tzemach Lemmon

I read this book while assigned to the 75th Ranger Regiment. For that reason and the fact that my oldest daughter was in an Army ROTC program at the time this book resonated with me on many levels.

A much talked about, but little understood piece of our recent military history and one that all leaders will be able to learn from when discussing war and its effects on people, particularly how hard it is to break into the often all-male fraternity of close combat and its aftermath.

How to Win Friends and Influenece People - Dale Carnegie

Notes compiled by Greg Benjamin, Feb 2017 Eastern Washington University ROTC

How to Win Friends and Influence People Summary

Part 1: Fundamentals techniques in Handling People

Chapter 1: If you want honey, don’t kick the beehive

·   Change yourself before you change others

o “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof, when your own doorstep is unclean”

·   When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic.  We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creators bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride/vanity

·    “A great man shows his greatness…by the way he treats little men”

·   Tomorrow I will be a real daddy!  I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh.  I will bite my tongue when impatient words come.  I will keep saying as if it were a ritual…”He is nothing but a boy…a little boy.”  I am afraid I have visualized you as a man.  Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby.  Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms, your head on her shoulder.  I have asked too much, too much. 

·   Don’t criticize, condemn and complain

Chapter 2: The big secret with dealing with people

·   There is only one way to get anybody to do anything…making the other person want to do it

·   Forcing someone to do something has sharply undesirable repercussions

·   “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticism from superiors.  I never criticize anyone.  I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault.  If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise”

·   When a study was made a few years on runaway wives, what do you think they discovered to be the main reasons wives ran away?  IT was “lack of appreciation.”  And I’d bet that a similar study made of runway husbands would out the same way.  We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never them know we appreciate them. 

·   We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem?  We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciations that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.

·   Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people.  It is shallow, selfish, and insincere.  It ought to fail and it usually does.  True, some people are so hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and worms.

·   In the long term, flattery will do more harm than good.  Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.

·   One of the most neglected virtues of daily existence is appreciation.  Somehow, we neglect to praise our son or daughter when he or she brings home a good report card, and we fail to encourage our children when they succeed in baking a cake or building a birdhouse.  Nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental interest and approval.

·   Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips.  You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.

·   ”I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.  Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

·   Give honest and sincere appreciation

Chapter 3: He who can do this has the whole world with him.  He who cannot walks a lonely way.

·   So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it

·   Tomorrow you want to persuade somebody to do something…before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?”

o This question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly, with futile chatter about our desires

·   You know how arguments end.  Even if I had convinced him that he was wrong, his pride would have made it difficult for him to back down and give in

·   Henry Ford said…”if there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well from your own.”

·   People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.

·   If out of reading this book you get just one thing—an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle—if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.

·   First, arouse in the other person an eager want.  He who can do this has the whole world with him.  He who cannot walks a lonely way.

·   When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves.  They will then regard it as their own

·   Arouse in the other person an eager want

Part 2: 6 Ways to Make People Like You

Chapter 1: Do this and you’ll be welcome anywhere

·   You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

·   It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.  It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring

·   Remember people’s birthdays and put them on your calendar for later

·   Greet people with animation and enthusiasm

·   Become genuinely interested in people AND their problems

·   Remember…”we are interested in others, when they are interested in us”

·   A show of interest must be sincere….its a two way street…both parties benefit

·   If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, become genuinely interested in other people

Chapter 2: A simple way to make a good first impression

·   Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you”

·   We like to see dogs because dogs are so excited to see us…same as with a baby’s smile

·   Smile when talking on the phone…your “smile” comes through in your voice

·   You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you

·   Eliminate criticism from your system…give appreciation and praise instead of condemnation

·   Stop talking about what YOU want

·   Attempt to see from the other person’s viewpoint

·   Force yourself to smile if you don’t want to

·   Act as if you are happy and you will become happy

·   Everyone in the world is seeking happiness

·   “a man without a smiling face must not open a shop”

·   The value of a smile at Christmas

o It costs nothing, but creates much

o It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give

o It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever

o None are so rich they can get along without it, and one so poor but are richer for its benefits

o It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business, and is the countersign of friends

o It is a rest to the weary, daylight to the discourage, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble

o Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away

o And if in the last minute rush of Christmas buying some of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you to leave one of yours?

o For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!

·   Smile                        

Chapter 3: If you don’t do this, you are headed for trouble

·   Remember details about those you meet so that you can discuss it later when you meet them again

·   If someone has a weird name, take the effort to say it correctly

·   Remember and honor the names of people you meet

·   Know the names of those in your organization

·   Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

Chapter 4: An easy way to become a good conversationalist

·   Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important.  Nothing else is so flattering as that

·   Stop what you are doing and pay attention to the person speaking

·   Often, people simply want a friendly, sympathetic listener to unburden themselves on

·   Do NOT:

o   Never listen to anyone for long

o   Talk incessantly about yourself

o   Interrupt people off when they are talking

·   Be an attentive listener

·   To be interesting, be interested

·   Ask questions the other person will enjoy answering

·   Encourage people to talk about themselves

·   Be a good listener.  Encourage others to talk about themselves

Chapter 5: How to interest people

·   “the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most”

·   Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

Chapter 6: How to make people like you instantly

·   If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the person in return—if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve

·   Always make the other person feel important

·   Do unto others as you would have others do unto you

·   Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to …” “Wont you please” Would you mind?” “Thank you” –little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life—and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding

·   Remember that everyone has the deep desire to feel important

·   The unvarnished truth is that all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely

·   Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely

Part 3: How to win people to your way of thinking

Chapter 1: You can’t win an argument

·   There is only one way to get the best of an argument…avoid it

·   Avoid arguments like earthquakes and rattlesnakes

·   “Hatred is never ended by hatred, but with love”

·   A misunderstanding is never ended by an argument, but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation, and sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint

·   How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:

o Welcome to the disagreement: Remember that it’s okay to disagree, it’s part of life/business…the disagreement could be an opportunity to correct you before you make a serious mistake

o Distrust your first instinctive impress: Our first natural reaction in a disagreement is to be defensive.  Be careful, calm down, and realize that your first reaction may be you acting at your worst, not your best.

o Control your temper: remember you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry

o Listen first: give your opponent a chance to talk. Let them finish.  Do not resist, defend, or debate.  That only raises barriers.  Try to build bridges of understanding.

o Look for areas of agreement: after you heard your opponent talk, dwell first on points and areas where you agree.

o Be honest: look for areas where you can admit error and say so.  Apologize for your mistakes.  It will help disarm your opponent.

o Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully: Mean it. Your opponents may be right.

o Thank your opponent sincerely for their interest: anyone who takes time to disagree with you is interested in the same things as you. Think of them as people who want to help you.  You may turn your opponent into a friend.

o Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem: suggest that a new meeting be held later that day, when all facts may be brought to bear. When preparing for your next meeting ask yourself:

§  Could my opponent be right?  Partly right? Is my reaction one that will relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponent farther away?  Will my reaction negatively affect my reputation?  What price will I pay if I win?  Is this disagreement an opportunity for me?  If I’m quiet about it, will it blow over?

o The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

Chapter 2: A sure way of making enemies—and how to avoid it

·   If someone makes a statement that you think is wrong (or 100% know is wrong)…say “well, now, look.  I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong.  I frequently am.  And if I am wrong, I want to be put right.  Let’s examine the facts”

·   There’s magic in saying…”I may be wrong.  I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts”

·   You will never get into trouble admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all arguments and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open minded as you are.  It will make him want to admit that he, too, is wrong

·   Be diplomatic…it will help you gain your point

·   Don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary.  Don’t tell them that they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up.  Use a little diplomacy.

·   Show respect for the other person’s opinions.  Never say, “You’re wrong”

Chapter 3: If you’re wrong, admit it

·   When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong—and that will happen often, if we are honest with ourselves—let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.  Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself

·   “by fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than expected”

·   If you are wrong, admit it quickly and empathetically

Chapter 4: A drop of honey

·   The sun can make you take your coat off more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all bluster and storming in the world

·   Lincoln said “a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall”

·   Begin in a friendly way

Chapter 5: The secret of Socrates

·   Socratic method: based upon getting a “yes, yes”

·   “It took me years and cost me countless thousands of dollars in lost business before I finally learned that it doesn’t pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying “yes, yes”

·   “He who treads softly go far”

·   Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately

Chapter 6: The safety valve in handling complaints

·   Listen more than talk

·   Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

Chapter 7: How to get cooperation

·   Ask your subordinates what they expect of you….then ask them what YOU have a right to expect of them

·   Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only works in business and politics, it works in family life as well

·   If you want results, don’t get mad if someone else uses your idea….sometimes even give them public credit

·   Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

Chapter 8: A formula that will work wonders for you

·   Remember that other people may be totally wrong…but they don’t think so

·   The success of dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint

·   Before you ask someone to do something, pause and ask yourself: “why should he or she want to do it?”

·   If you only get one thing from reading this book, make it an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s POV, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own

·   Try honestly to see things from the other person’s POV

Chapter 9: What everybody wants

·   Remember the enormous chemical value of sympathy in neutralizing the acid of hard feelings

·   “Sympathy the human species universally craves.  The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy.  For the same purpose adults…show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations.  ‘Self pity’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.

·   Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

Chapter 10: An appeal that everybody likes

·   Appeal to nobler motives

Chapter 11: The movies do it.  TV does it.  Why don’t you do it?

·   When presenting your facts…use dramatization and showmanship

·   Dramatize your ideas

Chapter 12: When nothing else works, try this

·   “the way to get things done, is to stimulate competition.  I don’t mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel”

·   The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.

·   What is the major motivating factor for workers?  Money?  Benefits?  No—not any of these. The one major factor that motivates people is the work itself.  If the work is exciting and interesting, the worker looks forward to doing it and is motivated to do a good job.

·   Everyone loves the chance for self-expression, they love the chance to prove their own worth, to excel, to win.  That is what makes footraces and hog-calling and pie-eating contests.  The desire to excel.  The desire for a feeling of importance.

·   Throw down a challenge

Part 4: Be a Leader: How to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment

Chapter 1: If you must find fault, this is the way to begin

·   Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain.  The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain killing.

·   Begin with praise and honest appreciation

Chapter 2: How to criticize—and not be hated for it

·   Instead of using “but” use “and.”  “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”

·   Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

Chapter 3: Talk about your own mistakes first

·   Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

Chapter 4: No one likes to take orders

·   Give people the opportunity to do things themselves

o   It lets them learn from their mistakes

o   It lets them save their pride

o   It gives them a feeling of importance

o   It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion

·   Ask people to do things instead of telling them.  People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued

·   Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

Chapter 5: Let the other person save face

·   You only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face

·   Let the other person save face

Chapter 6: How to spur people on to success

·   Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it

·   More praise and less criticism reinforces good praise and poor things will atrophy for lack of attention

·   Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, but nobody wants insincerity or flattery

·   Your praise must come from your heart

·   Exercise your magic ability to praise people and inspire them with a realization of their latent possibilities

·   Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.  Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

Chapter 7: Give a dog a good name

·   Berating people usually causes resentment

·   If you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics

·   Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

Chapter 8: Make the fault seem easy to correct

·   If you tell someone they are stupid or dumb or doing something wrong, you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve

·   Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

Chapter 9: Making people glad to do what you want

·   Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

·   The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behaviors

o  Be sincere.  Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver.  Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person

o  Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do

o  Be empathetic.  Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.

o  Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest

o  Match those benefits to the other person’s wants

o  When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

o  Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest