Notes compiled by Greg Benjamin, Feb 2017 Eastern Washington University ROTC
How to Win Friends and
Influence People Summary
Part 1: Fundamentals techniques in
Handling People
Chapter
1: If you want honey, don’t kick the beehive
·
Change yourself before you change others
o “Don’t
complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof, when your own doorstep is
unclean”
·
When dealing with people, let us remember we are
not dealing with creatures of logic. We
are dealing with creatures of emotion, creators bristling with prejudice and
motivated by pride/vanity
·
“A great
man shows his greatness…by the way he treats little men”
·
Tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you
suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will
bite my tongue when impatient words come.
I will keep saying as if it were a ritual…”He is nothing but a boy…a
little boy.” I am afraid I have
visualized you as a man. Yet as I see
you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms,
your head on her shoulder. I have asked
too much, too much.
·
Don’t criticize, condemn and complain
Chapter
2: The big secret with dealing with people
·
There is only one way to get anybody to do
anything…making the other person want to do it
·
Forcing someone to do something has sharply
undesirable repercussions
·
“There is nothing else that so kills the
ambitions of a person as criticism from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to
work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my
approbation and lavish in my praise”
·
When a study was made a few years on runaway
wives, what do you think they discovered to be the main reasons wives ran
away? IT was “lack of
appreciation.” And I’d bet that a similar
study made of runway husbands would out the same way. We often take our spouses so much for granted
that we never them know we appreciate them.
·
We nourish the bodies of our children and
friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes
to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciations that
would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.
·
Of course flattery seldom works with discerning
people. It is shallow, selfish, and
insincere. It ought to fail and it
usually does. True, some people are so
hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a
starving man will eat grass and worms.
·
In the long term, flattery will do more harm
than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and
like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it
to someone else.
·
One of the most neglected virtues of daily
existence is appreciation. Somehow, we
neglect to praise our son or daughter when he or she brings home a good report
card, and we fail to encourage our children when they succeed in baking a cake
or building a birdhouse. Nothing pleases
children more than this kind of parental interest and approval.
·
Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of
gratitude on your daily trips. You will
be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose
beacons on your next visit.
·
”I shall pass this way but once; any good,
therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being,
let me do it now. Let me not defer nor
neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”
·
Give honest and sincere appreciation
Chapter 3: He who can do this
has the whole world with him. He who
cannot walks a lonely way.
·
So the only way on earth to influence other
people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it
·
Tomorrow you want to persuade somebody to do
something…before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person
want to do it?”
o This
question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly, with futile
chatter about our desires
·
You know how arguments end. Even if I had convinced him that he was wrong,
his pride would have made it difficult for him to back down and give in
·
Henry Ford said…”if there is any one secret of
success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see
things from that person’s angle as well from your own.”
·
People who can put themselves in the place of
other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry
about what the future has in store for them.
·
If out of reading this book you get just one
thing—an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other people’s
point of view, and see things from their angle—if you get that one thing out of
this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.
·
First, arouse in the other person an eager
want. He who can do this has the whole
world with him. He who cannot walks a
lonely way.
·
When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making
others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea
themselves. They will then regard it as
their own
·
Arouse in the other person an eager want
Part 2: 6 Ways to Make People Like You
Chapter
1: Do this and you’ll be welcome anywhere
·
You can make more friends in two months by
becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get
other people interested in you.
·
It is the individual who is not interested in
his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the
greatest injury to others. It is from
among such individuals that all human failures spring
·
Remember people’s birthdays and put them on your
calendar for later
·
Greet people with animation and enthusiasm
·
Become genuinely interested in people AND their
problems
·
Remember…”we are interested in others, when they
are interested in us”
·
A show of interest must be sincere….its a two
way street…both parties benefit
·
If you want others to like you, if you want to
develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you
help yourself, become genuinely interested in other people
Chapter 2: A simple way to make
a good first impression
·
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile
says “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you”
·
We like to see dogs because dogs are so excited
to see us…same as with a baby’s smile
·
Smile when talking on the phone…your “smile”
comes through in your voice
·
You must have a good time meeting people if you
expect them to have a good time meeting you
·
Eliminate criticism from your system…give
appreciation and praise instead of condemnation
·
Stop talking about what YOU want
·
Attempt to see from the other person’s viewpoint
·
Force yourself to smile if you don’t want to
·
Act as if you are happy and you will become
happy
·
Everyone in the world is seeking happiness
·
“a man without a smiling face must not open a
shop”
·
The value of a smile at Christmas
o It
costs nothing, but creates much
o It
enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give
o It
happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever
o None
are so rich they can get along without it, and one so poor but are richer for
its benefits
o It
creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business, and is the
countersign of friends
o It
is a rest to the weary, daylight to the discourage, sunshine to the sad, and
Nature’s best antidote for trouble
o Yet
it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is
no earthly good to anybody till it is given away
o And
if in the last minute rush of Christmas buying some of our salespeople should
be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you to leave one of yours?
o For
nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!
·
Smile
Chapter 3: If you don’t do this,
you are headed for trouble
·
Remember details about those you meet so that
you can discuss it later when you meet them again
·
If someone has a weird name, take the effort to
say it correctly
·
Remember and honor the names of people you meet
·
Know the names of those in your organization
·
Remember that a person’s name is to that
person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
Chapter 4: An easy way to become
a good conversationalist
·
Exclusive attention to the person who is
speaking to you is very important.
Nothing else is so flattering as that
·
Stop what you are doing and pay attention to the
person speaking
·
Often, people simply want a friendly,
sympathetic listener to unburden themselves on
·
Do NOT:
o
Never listen to anyone for long
o
Talk incessantly about yourself
o
Interrupt people off when they are talking
·
Be an attentive listener
·
To be interesting, be interested
·
Ask questions the other person will enjoy
answering
·
Encourage people to talk about themselves
·
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves
Chapter 5: How to interest
people
·
“the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk
about the things he or she treasures most”
·
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
Chapter 6: How to make people
like you instantly
·
If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t
radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without
trying to get something out of the person in return—if our souls are no bigger
than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve
·
Always make the other person feel important
·
Do unto others as you would have others do unto
you
·
Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble
you,” “Would you be so kind as to …” “Wont you please” Would you mind?” “Thank
you” –little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of
everyday life—and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding
·
Remember that everyone has the deep desire to
feel important
·
The unvarnished truth is that all the people you
meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their
hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their
importance, and recognize it sincerely
·
Make the other person feel important—and do
it sincerely
Part 3: How to win people to your way of
thinking
Chapter
1: You can’t win an argument
·
There is only one way to get the best of an
argument…avoid it
·
Avoid arguments like earthquakes and
rattlesnakes
·
“Hatred is never ended by hatred, but with love”
·
A misunderstanding is never ended by an
argument, but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation, and sympathetic desire to see
the other person’s viewpoint
·
How to keep a disagreement from becoming an
argument:
o Welcome to the disagreement: Remember
that it’s okay to disagree, it’s part of life/business…the disagreement could
be an opportunity to correct you before you make a serious mistake
o Distrust your first instinctive impress:
Our first natural reaction in a disagreement is to be defensive. Be careful, calm down, and realize that your
first reaction may be you acting at your worst, not your best.
o Control your temper: remember you can
measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry
o Listen first: give your opponent a
chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not
resist, defend, or debate. That only
raises barriers. Try to build bridges of
understanding.
o Look for areas of agreement: after you
heard your opponent talk, dwell first on points and areas where you agree.
o Be honest: look for areas where you can
admit error and say so. Apologize for
your mistakes. It will help disarm your
opponent.
o Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas
and study them carefully: Mean it. Your opponents may be right.
o Thank your opponent sincerely for their
interest: anyone who takes time to disagree with you is interested in the
same things as you. Think of them as people who want to help you. You may turn your opponent into a friend.
o Postpone action to give both sides time to
think through the problem: suggest that a new meeting be held later that
day, when all facts may be brought to bear. When preparing for your next
meeting ask yourself:
§
Could my opponent be right? Partly right? Is my reaction one that will
relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponent farther away? Will my reaction negatively affect my
reputation? What price will I pay if I
win? Is this disagreement an opportunity
for me? If I’m quiet about it, will it
blow over?
o The
only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Chapter
2: A sure way of making enemies—and how to avoid it
·
If someone makes a statement that you think is
wrong (or 100% know is wrong)…say “well, now, look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts”
·
There’s magic in saying…”I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts”
·
You will never get into trouble admitting that
you may be wrong. That will stop all arguments and inspire your opponent to be
just as fair and open minded as you are.
It will make him want to admit that he, too, is wrong
·
Be diplomatic…it will help you gain your point
·
Don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or
your adversary. Don’t tell them that
they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up.
Use a little diplomacy.
·
Show respect for the other person’s
opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong”
Chapter
3: If you’re wrong, admit it
·
When we are right, let’s try to win people
gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong—and that
will happen often, if we are honest with ourselves—let’s admit our mistakes
quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only
will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is
a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself
·
“by fighting you never get enough, but by
yielding you get more than expected”
·
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and
empathetically
Chapter
4: A drop of honey
·
The sun can make you take your coat off more
quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation
can make people change their minds more readily than all bluster and storming
in the world
·
Lincoln said “a drop of honey catches more flies
than a gallon of gall”
·
Begin in a friendly way
Chapter
5: The secret of Socrates
·
Socratic method: based upon getting a “yes, yes”
·
“It took me years and cost me countless
thousands of dollars in lost business before I finally learned that it doesn’t
pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look
at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying
“yes, yes”
·
“He who treads softly go far”
·
Get the other person saying “yes, yes”
immediately
Chapter
6: The safety valve in handling complaints
·
Listen more than talk
·
Let the other person do a great deal of the
talking
Chapter
7: How to get cooperation
·
Ask your subordinates what they expect of you….then
ask them what YOU have a right to expect of them
·
Letting the other person feel that the idea is
his or hers not only works in business and politics, it works in family life as
well
·
If you want results, don’t get mad if someone
else uses your idea….sometimes even give them public credit
·
Let the other person feel that the idea is
his or hers
Chapter
8: A formula that will work wonders for you
·
Remember that other people may be totally
wrong…but they don’t think so
·
The success of dealing with people depends on a
sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint
·
Before you ask someone to do something, pause
and ask yourself: “why should he or she want to do it?”
·
If you only get one thing from reading this
book, make it an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other
person’s POV, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own
·
Try honestly to see things from the other
person’s POV
Chapter
9: What everybody wants
·
Remember the enormous chemical value of sympathy
in neutralizing the acid of hard feelings
·
“Sympathy the human species universally
craves. The child eagerly displays his
injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant
sympathy. For the same purpose
adults…show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details
of surgical operations. ‘Self pity’ for
misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal
practice.
·
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas
and desires
Chapter
10: An appeal that everybody likes
·
Appeal to nobler motives
Chapter
11: The movies do it. TV does it. Why don’t you do it?
·
When presenting your facts…use dramatization and
showmanship
·
Dramatize your ideas
Chapter
12: When nothing else works, try this
·
“the way to get things done, is to stimulate
competition. I don’t mean in a sordid,
money-getting way, but in the desire to excel”
·
The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing
down the gauntlet! An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.
·
What is the major motivating factor for
workers? Money? Benefits?
No—not any of these. The one major factor that motivates people is the
work itself. If the work is exciting and
interesting, the worker looks forward to doing it and is motivated to do a good
job.
·
Everyone loves the chance for self-expression,
they love the chance to prove their own worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes footraces and hog-calling
and pie-eating contests. The desire to
excel. The desire for a feeling of
importance.
·
Throw down a challenge
Part 4: Be a Leader: How to change
people without giving offense or arousing resentment
Chapter 1: If you must find
fault, this is the way to begin
·
Beginning with praise is like the dentist who
begins his work with Novocain. The
patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain killing.
·
Begin with praise and honest appreciation
Chapter 2: How to criticize—and
not be hated for it
·
Instead of using “but” use “and.” “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for
raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts
next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”
·
Call attention to people’s mistakes
indirectly
Chapter 3: Talk about your own
mistakes first
·
Talk about your own mistakes before
criticizing the other person
Chapter 4: No one likes to take
orders
·
Give people the opportunity to do things
themselves
o
It lets them learn from their mistakes
o
It lets them save their pride
o
It gives them a feeling of importance
o
It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion
·
Ask people to do things instead of telling
them. People are more likely to accept
an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be
issued
·
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
Chapter 5: Let the other person save
face
·
You only destroy ego by causing someone to lose
face
·
Let the other person save face
Chapter 6: How to spur people on
to success
·
Praise is like sunlight to the warm human
spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it
·
More praise and less criticism reinforces good
praise and poor things will atrophy for lack of attention
·
Remember, we all crave appreciation and
recognition, but nobody wants insincerity or flattery
·
Your praise must come from your heart
·
Exercise your magic ability to praise people and
inspire them with a realization of their latent possibilities
·
Praise the slightest improvement and praise
every improvement. Be “hearty in your
approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Chapter 7: Give a dog a good
name
·
Berating people usually causes resentment
·
If you want to improve a person in a certain
aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her
outstanding characteristics
·
Give the other person a fine reputation to
live up to
Chapter 8: Make the fault seem
easy to correct
·
If you tell someone they are stupid or dumb or
doing something wrong, you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to
improve
·
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy
to correct
Chapter 9: Making people glad to
do what you want
·
Always make the other person happy about doing
the thing you suggest
·
The effective leader should keep the following
guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behaviors
o Be
sincere. Do not promise anything that
you cannot deliver. Forget about the
benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person
o Know
exactly what it is you want the other person to do
o Be
empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the
other person really wants.
o Consider
the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest
o Match
those benefits to the other person’s wants
o When
you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person
the idea that he personally will benefit.
o Make
the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
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